Texting Without Tears

Texting without tears
Text bullying is a big problem. One-in-four teens are now thought to have received abusive messages. This abuse has even led to suicide. It can be handled though. Here's how
by Johanna Bennet.
Thankfully, it doesn't happen often, but it has happened - both in New Zealand and overseas. A word has even been coined for it - 'bullycide'. It's the end result, when bullying gets so out of control that a teenager just gives up and commits suicide. Text messaging has added a whole new 24/7 element to the age-old problem of bullying. There are ways to get the bully off your back, but first some things worth knowing:

• You are not alone. The Sunday News recently reported that one in four young mobile users are estimated to have received offensive or harassing messages
• Vodafone received 4,600 complaints about text bullying last year
• NetSafe says many such texts are so serious they are referred to the police
• Auckland psychologist Sara Chatwin saw 12 teens suffering severe effects from text bullying last year alone
• Two young New Zealanders have died as a result of text bullying. Alex Teka, 12, was found dead at her Waikato home in January 2006, after being relentlessly bullied by text and email. And, three years ago, Daniel Gillies, 16, from Oamaru died after being sent cruel texts about his disfigured face.

 

It's a nasty problem with a special twist on old-fashioned playground bullying: now you can't get away, even when you are out of school. Texts can come in the middle of the night or you can be called relentlessly. Turning the phone off is an option, but it's hard when nearly everyone has a phone and it means cutting yourself off from everyone else.

 

The trouble is it's much easier to be cruel to someone when you can't see the hurt you've caused on their face. NetSafe, which was set up in part to deal with text bullying, says the problem has got worse because there are so many mobiles now and texting is so cheap.

 

Spokeswoman Lee Chisholm says that often people don't realise the impact of some of the nasty things they say, although some do. But, she says, this can be dealt with.

 

First, you need to talk to a trusted adult, or call NetSafe if there really is no such person you can talk to. Then, you need to tell the phone companies about it. They can do something. It's actually quite simple; all you need do is collect four or more unwanted texts - try and keep them if you can. If this is too upsetting, just note the time and date instead, and, most important, don't reply. If you do it can look like just an argument. The phone companies can send a warning text to the offender, and take further action if need be, such as stopping the offender's phone from sending texts or putting a temporary bar on it.

 

If the threats are physical, call the police on 111. Netsafe sends around a third of complainants on to the police who now take text bullying very seriously.

 

"We also advise parents not to take the phone away as the person can feel totally cut-off without it," says Lee from NetSafe. It's worth telling your parents this, or getting NetSafe to do so.

 

Another good website, especially for parents, is the UK bullyonline website. It also talks about why people bully. Here's its advice: Never ignore a nasty text or call or email - but don't respond how the bully wants either. He or she wants you to jump - so don't! If you do, you give bullies what they want: they've jerked your strings and you've jumped. By not reacting, you thwart them and deny them their pleasure. This is what people really mean when they say 'just ignore it'. The idea is to ignore the taunts, but to record what is being done, when and by whom. And, most important, get your parents involved.

 

You can't deal with this alone - even adults can't. Bullies thrive on secrecy, so they will want to separate you from your family and friends. This is what you allow if you don't tell anyone what's happening. The best person to tell is a trusted parent. You can then work out a strategy for dealing with the problem together.

 

This is a tough problem, so your parents may need advice on how to deal with it too, so send them to the NetSafe and bullyonline websites listed below. What's going on here is a nasty power game. The bully wants to control you because he or she feels bad about him or herself and sees you as being better in some way. Sometimes there can be some truth in what a bully says, but this is just a trick to make you believe all the nasty things the bully is saying. Jealousy, envy or rejection usually lie at the bottom of it all. So, even if the texts are anonymous, remember the bully is probably closer to you than you think. As Lee from NetSafe says, you can probably figure out who it is from friends of friends. And, she adds: "Don't do it back. You know how it feels."

 

Useful websites:
www.netsafe.org.nz
www.bullyonline.org

 

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